Mad Money

I was moving from Santa Fe back to NYC. I had no vehicle, (an achievement in Santa Fe, albeit a challenging one) and needed someone to discard a table I had made from a wooden cable wheel and a metal circular top.

I arranged to trade the half cord of pinon I had left for the removal. The guy appeared sane and reliable, and he assured me it was all taken care of. Back in New York I received a letter from my Santa Fe landlord who billed me a chunk of money out of my deposit for the removal of the table. I called him and asked if the wood had been removed and he answered, “What wood?”

I have lived in many places and many apartments of over the decades and only once did I receive my entire deposit back. Once. Once a landlord has your money, they find it near to impossible to let it go. Honestly, it wasn’t his fault the guy was a thief, but half the deposit was a bit much.

I have a resentment against money, and I have hated it long before landlords. Not that I believe it is the root of all evil, because I do not. I am finally understanding that money is just what it appears to be, a form of exchange. Sadly, it is often bartered at the expense of ethics, morality.
My family is tightly wound around the power, prestige, and validation that money offers. It made them greedy and judgmental. The mantra in my family is, “Laura doesn’t care about money.” And I suppose it is true. I did not want to love money, to become grasping and materialistic. I was so afraid that I would become poisoned by their belief.

My family laughed at me for my naivete and my hurt feelings turned into rage. I did not want to hate them, but I despised the American Dream and what it appeared to create in people, in the world.

I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, partly due to conscious choices I have made, and because I loathe and fear money. I want to allow more means, material comfort, into my life. I have had to reevaluate my relationship, or lack thereof, with money.
So how am I going to clear this bitterness, this hostility toward wealth. I have begun breathing in, and being mindful of, the Virtue of Detachment. Experiencing my feelings about money, without letting them control the energy of my life. The freedom to create the life I desire, without being diminished by antipathy.

Using heart knowing, hearing from the heart, and coupling it with clear thinking, allows me to have a saner view of wealth.

Using heart and mind, I will create a new connection to money that allows me to live abundantly without the fear that I will lose my compass, that I will despise myself. I will breathe and let others live their own karma. It’s all good.