All Hearts Are Welcome

I am probably one of the most positive people you will meet. I can embody the lyrics from the Mary Tyler Moore show song–most days.

Today is not one of those days.

I have felt this coming for several days. I have buried it under not giving up five minutes before the miracle, finding the gratitude, breathing breathing breathing, repeating positive messages, reading positive missives…
Then I just stopped all of that. I began to cry, to produce enormous and copious amounts of tears from my eyes. I felt heartbroken. My heart felt like it was being pried open.

The world feels relentless and unenlightened. I cannot find the spiritual arm to hang onto. I can usually be the one counted on for just the right phrase to counter this feeling: people are doing what they need to do in this life-walk for their spiritual growth; we cannot know what another is truly feeling or seeing; there is more to this story than we can apprehend from where we are standing. It makes me cry even more because I know this is all true. So, what the fuck am I crying about?

When I was thirteen suddenly all the feelings of this world engulfed me. I was swimming in emotions. I didn’t know that exactly, but I knew that hearing The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore, collapsed me into brine.

I might be in that place again and not getting it. Maybe it’s too much empathy that does it. I hate how everyone says they are an empath now, like it’s some magical characteristic that only the special suffer through. It is not paranormal to sense the subtle changes in someone’s mood or thought, not any longer. That has been the point for decades now; the spiritual/human landscape has changed; we can all be empaths now. Unless we are deliberately tuned out.

Sigh. I might be burnt out. Or just burning.

Here’s the thing: actually feeling we are connected makes me cry. It’s humbling to know that, to get that.
I know we all, me included, want to hear that choosing happiness, choosing the best thoughts, the good feelings is the way we need to, want to, go. But. What if all the heart chakra work, the mindfulness stuff, the breathing, the oming, the incense and candles and wind chimes…what if this is what is supposed to happen? What if this is the work that creates that space we are all talking about: holding space, allowing something to take up space, creating sacred space. Maybe this break in my heart space is what is permitting all the allowing I need to be able to manifest, create, enable, my best life.

I didn’t say the world is unenlightened and kiss my ass in Macy’s window if this doesn’t seem positive enough, because here’s the real thing: we are here to have our hearts broken. Open or otherwise. It is what it is to be human and to be seeking. Today I found tears. Maybe joy as well. But definitely tears.